I sat in front of my laptop staring at the screen, on the PDF file with my name on it. This is it, i thought to myself. Double-clicked on it and found myself face-to-face with my worst nightmares. Scrolling down i thought to myself, i deserved all of this. Life is about equality; what you sow is what you reap.
Shut down my laptop and went to bed, pondering over my bleak future or what remains of it.
Woke up an hour later with a depressed, confused, clueless mind. Went for late-lunch with mom nearby before her grocery shopping at Cold Storage. As we were eating, she told me that now's the right time for me to submit my resume to companies and start scouting for jobs. And she asked when is my convocation date.
My heart sank. My parents have high hopes on me, they are expecting me to graduate this June. Expecting to see their daughter receiving an engineering degree certificate on the stage. Expecting their daughter to make them proud working in an established engineering company. Yet, what their daughter had in mind was something else.
Might be how i was living, in a comfort zone having all these luxuries and more that i could want. All these while having choices around me and i just had to pick one and decisions would be made and other complications resolved.
Abruptly i found myself smacked right into this transition, from teenager to adulthood. All of a sudden i find every decision to be mind-boggling. Responsibilities became much of a burden and somehow i resort to shutting myself into a fantasy world of mine. I avoided problems. I chose to just let it be and see how it goes. Not wanting to bear the responsibility and wanting to prove to myself things would go smoothly without my efforts.
I hide into my own comfort zone and daydreamed my days away where i would live somewhere in the countryside, away from the bustling city and working life. I would tell myself i will survive on my own planted vegetables and eggs fresh from my chickens. Or i would make a living tendering to other people's property or working as a cashier at the nearby supermarket to sustain my own living. I would enjoy life and walk at my own pace without having to worry about being late for the next train or tight deadlines to meet some fussy client demands.
I was running away. Somehow i was hypnotized to believe that it could happen. But deep in my heart i knew it was coming to an end. I knew it would end up like this, and i told myself all i need was some kind of motivation. It was the lack of motivation, i told myself. I dreaded the coming of this day, a wake-up call for me.
It did rang, loud and heart-wrenching. I asked for it. Life was too good for me and now i need to "fix things right". I just hope i'm not too late.
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