It is not only about you.

In any relationship, be it friendship, parent-child, boy-girl... there will always be a balance in everything that happens. True, there will be times both of you are happily together, times when both of you go through hard times together. But most of the time, there will always be someone who gets hurt or suffers. This is particularly true when a relationship faces hard times. Both sides suffer, yet both will complain that they suffer more than the other does. How do we weigh it out who suffers more? There is no scale to measure just how much your suffering is more than the other. You thought that you gave too much than what you receive. On the other hand, the person might think that what you give is not enough.

This is where Einstein's theory of relativity come into picture. It is very interesting and kinda awesome that each of us has a different mind of its own. A different level of sensory perception. The feeling that i get from touching this keyboard is different from how you touch it. In general it is easy to say for example, this keyboard is too soft, too hard, etc. But my level of softness in your perception, might not be soft. The thought of this is exhilarating. Till now we have not been able to come up with something to measure our senses. In another words, our feelings. We always hear people say, i feel your pain. I know how you feel. This is quite untrue, possibly overused/generalized as a comfort word. Each person's unique perception of pain, i must not forget, happiness, too, is what makes us living being such an interesting species.

I am still learning. Getting to know all these wonderful discoveries and figuring out human's complex mind is something that intrigues me. I find myself opening up to discussions instead of arguing that i'm right you are wrong. I find myself more forgiving to other people's behavior that would have offend me. I try to think in his perspective, what is he thinking when he did that, why would he do it in that way. I start to develop a curious mind in other peoples' minds and their behavior. Although sometimes i still cannot control myself and get emotional easily, but i'm trying. It's just amazing how the human mind works. How your physical actions would affect your brain. How, by mentally distracting yourself you might find better solution to small matters that makes you go crazy.

Of course, sometimes it clashed with my own principles. I become too focused on one matter that i totally ignored the opportunities passing by. Even when i am writing this down now, my brain is telling me all sorts that "distract" me from my main topic. All the possible things i could have say but i did not. Being out of topic yet feeling this is more important, etc etc. Sometimes i really wish to be a human computer. All the thoughts in my mind flashing by, i couldn't capture it, by the time i digest one, another piece comes. I need more RAM. More processing power. More storage. I want to document all these thoughts, i want to be able to flip through my files and say, "Hey, this might be useful in the future." It is such pity a human brain capacity is so limited.

One of these days someone might come up to me and say, "Hey! Our feelings are not for you to toy about like a scientific experiment!" Well, i am starting to see the human body as a tool. A capsule for our "souls", so to say. Since we all are gonna die anyway, why not make good use of our bodies, our feelings, and our actions to make our lives more fulfilling? And studying them is just another way for me to fulfill my curiosity, a learning process which all of us will be going through till the day we exhale our last breath on earth. Who knows, there might be exams on how and why we live on earth before we could enter Heaven.

Assuming is not a sin, it is not a pain in the ass just because you assumed and made the wrong decision. It is by assuming we open up possibilities and from there, only do we have the responsibility to make a right decision.

Back to Sandakan, once again

Toyed around with my phone pictures this afternoon by trying to adjust the picture settings to make them look nicer. Using the "Auto Correct" is not a smart move after all. After happily auto-correcting all my photos, and now only looking back at my "masterpiece", i realize...... It might had bring out more colors and sharper photos but consequently my picture quality dropped tremendously. I can see color pixel grains all over the place. I can see blueish hues. Blurry pictures. Maybe that wasn't a good idea... or i should learn more adjusting techniques and not be cheated by auto-correcting all my photos. Now i have to re-upload the original batch......

Meh. I'll just upload the bunch of auto-corrected photos for your viewing "pressure".

Lights-decorated temple on top of a hill

Still remember the last time i came was with my whole family and D+E. Climbed the long steep staircase back then without much problem, yet this time i'm grasping for breath after i reach the top. =___=

View from Ocean King Restaurant where we had dim sum on Day 1 CNY

Funny thing was the restaurant is HALAL yet i only see (mostly) chinese flock to the place. The "har gao" (prawn dumpling) was yummy. And we saw this gigantic "lu dun" fish almost the size of me that they rear at the side of the restaurant. KL people see this fish as the ultimate yummy fish. And yes, the restaurant's built on sea.

Mouth-watering "ngao lam" meehoon at the 1 1/2 mile market

They say there's another stall better than this, but this is already good enough for me. *Saliva drips* We went back to find the one we ate the last time we came, but it was closed.

Sunny blue skies as expected

House visiting non-stop. Chicken leg with mushroom, chicken leg with mushroom, chicken leg with mushroom.

The heavenly lamb in all its glory

Seriously the underside looks nicer, but they already turned it over before i could take a pic of it. This is, if i haven't stress it enough, the best lamb i ever tasted. Fit to serve a king. Yum.

Dog from hell

Just kidding, it's my cousin's puppy. Eyes blazing and full of lust for another lamb rib to munch on.

Cousin's puppy in human world form

It's actually cute and very friendly. And playful. Keeps sniffing all over the place and moving about. This is the best shot i could get of her/him.

Fat Cat Cake House

Don't know how many of you still remember this bakery store. Aah, childhood memories.

View of part of Sandakan town from the hilltop observatory tower

Nothing much to do there other than that. Saw some kids playing at the playground we used to play at, and wonder if the mosquitoes had start feeding on them or not.

Grasshopper on Hibiscus flower

Another thing i noticed, there are white and yellow Hibiscus flowers growing near the tower. Growing pretty nicely, too. Now if only we could find blue ones to match the M'sia flag...

Seafood mix meehoon at same market, different stall

This trip i missed out on the egg tarts and Bah Kut Teh, mainly because it was CNY and nobody wants to open shop just to "layan" few flies.

So did you find any abnormalities in my photos? Hope they made you hunger for some Sandakan food cause right now, i wish for a bowl of "ngao lam" meehoon to miraculously appear in front of me.

Shimino - Japanese Crepes at Ikano

On a lighter note, few days ago i saw in Cheesie's blog that there's this famous stall in Japan selling world famous crepes. Today i went to Ikano and saw this new stall opened selling Japanese crepes. I have no idea if it's the same stall as the one she mentioned in her blog, but i bought one nevertheless.

This is the first time i tasted crepes that are so yummy. I ordered strawberries and cream and boy, it was delicious. The cream was not too sweet, together with soft fluffy crepes with just a tiny hint of sourness from the strawberries. Superb. Best thing is i don't feel full after one, which is perfect for an afternoon snack.

There are plenty of other flavors to choose from, ranging from mango, kiwi, various ice-cream flavors, cheesecake (!) and also green tea with red bean. It is kind of pricey for a snack at RM7.90 (now having 10% discount), but it's worth it. I know, cause i will be back for more of it.

A friendly Japanese guy thanked us (in an "ARIGATOGOZAIMASU!" way) for buying one and my mom told him it was "Good!" and he was very happy. =D And he told us that they will be opening another outlet at Pavilion in April. So you people out there, faster go and try one!

Didn't know it was this bad....

This morning i woke up feeling kinda down. The fluttering butterflies in the stomach, a bad omen of something bad bound to happen.

I sat in front of my laptop staring at the screen, on the PDF file with my name on it. This is it, i thought to myself. Double-clicked on it and found myself face-to-face with my worst nightmares. Scrolling down i thought to myself, i deserved all of this. Life is about equality; what you sow is what you reap.

Shut down my laptop and went to bed, pondering over my bleak future or what remains of it.

Woke up an hour later with a depressed, confused, clueless mind. Went for late-lunch with mom nearby before her grocery shopping at Cold Storage. As we were eating, she told me that now's the right time for me to submit my resume to companies and start scouting for jobs. And she asked when is my convocation date.

My heart sank. My parents have high hopes on me, they are expecting me to graduate this June. Expecting to see their daughter receiving an engineering degree certificate on the stage. Expecting their daughter to make them proud working in an established engineering company. Yet, what their daughter had in mind was something else.

Might be how i was living, in a comfort zone having all these luxuries and more that i could want. All these while having choices around me and i just had to pick one and decisions would be made and other complications resolved.

Abruptly i found myself smacked right into this transition, from teenager to adulthood. All of a sudden i find every decision to be mind-boggling. Responsibilities became much of a burden and somehow i resort to shutting myself into a fantasy world of mine. I avoided problems. I chose to just let it be and see how it goes. Not wanting to bear the responsibility and wanting to prove to myself things would go smoothly without my efforts.

I hide into my own comfort zone and daydreamed my days away where i would live somewhere in the countryside, away from the bustling city and working life. I would tell myself i will survive on my own planted vegetables and eggs fresh from my chickens. Or i would make a living tendering to other people's property or working as a cashier at the nearby supermarket to sustain my own living. I would enjoy life and walk at my own pace without having to worry about being late for the next train or tight deadlines to meet some fussy client demands.

I was running away. Somehow i was hypnotized to believe that it could happen. But deep in my heart i knew it was coming to an end. I knew it would end up like this, and i told myself all i need was some kind of motivation. It was the lack of motivation, i told myself. I dreaded the coming of this day, a wake-up call for me.

It did rang, loud and heart-wrenching. I asked for it. Life was too good for me and now i need to "fix things right". I just hope i'm not too late.

More CNY celebrations

I uploaded two more videos i took during dinner at another aunt's house. This time to show you just how extravagant the CNY is celebrated here.

Highlight of video is the LAMB! The fat juicy tender lamb! Really good, so good i can only say it's too good to be true. But of course, it's true.

That was actually the second time they set the fireworks, and funny thing is the car alarm kept going off and the owner had to keep disarm it.

Ok enough videos! I'll put up some pics later if i'm in the mood for more uploading.

Tak dong chiang

This is the video taken when i was at my aunt's house and the lion "dancers" came to visit. It is very common in Sandakan and has been sort of a tradition during Chinese New Year. Btw, we call those lion dance "tak dong chiang". Don't ask me why.

I feel kinda noob-ish on my first video on YouTube. Too lazy to convert it into a better quality so i just uploaded it raw onto my channel. Still wondering if i should upload the rest.... maybe show you the fireworks/firecrackers?

Btw no criticisms/snickering on my video favorites, ok? .____.

The small town full of surprises

Just came back from Sandakan few hours ago (yea, internet addicted) and am going with dad to fetch mom from KLIA later cause she took a different flight.

Surprisingly, Sandakan was not as dull as i thought it was. I underestimated the wonders this small town could offer.

Firstly was the roads. A highway straight across the town really shorten the time it took for us to travel from one place to another. It was like we all lived in one big neighborhood. My aunt said if we drive fast we could get to the airport from BDC in 5 minutes. But what use is it to drive fast in such a small and peaceful town where everything is several beats slower and everyone is in such a relaxed mood. We could drive 50km/hr on the "highway" and no one would honk or flash lights at us.

Secondly, the sky at night. It's been quite a long while since i was able to look up and voila! millions of stars, shinning so brightly and clearly. The feeling was just so awesome, i could have sat there on the pavement and just stare at the sky for hours. Just so coincidence, i read a book about the night sky in a bookstore few weeks ago. I learnt how to read few of the signs and to my amazement i spotted it right there in the sky, among hundred thousands of other stars shinning just as bright and confuzzling (confusing and dazzling at the same time). This has sparked my interest to learn as many signs i could and the next time i'm going back, i will be ready. =)

Thirdly, the amount of angpao i received in just four days. I can't believe i have this much relatives in Sandakan all these while. Visited almost all of them in four days span and to be honest, i felt quite good to be able to meet them and their family. I used to be ignorant when we visit them during those visits years ago. Normally my parents do all the talking and socializing while i stuck to my sister(s) and we sort of gossiped there by ourselves. This year i was alone, and since my parents were independently sociable, i had to get around by myself and try to fit into conversations. It is still hard for me. Seems like i have lost the ability to sustain a conversation. I shall try harder next time.

Fourth, the Chinese New Year atmosphere here is just awesome. Everywhere i went decorations adore the houses and shops. Lion dances and drum sounds everywhere. Big beautiful fireworks every single night i was there. It's either the fireworks/firecrackers were dirt cheap or everyone was rich enough to splurge on it. Or it was just plainly families spending on something special on this special occasion where all family members gather together.

I have no idea when will be the next time i'm coming back to this town, but this trip surely left a deep mark in my heart which i'll be treasuring it well. Not to mention the fresh seafood, the chewy soft ngao lam mee, the fat juicy tender lamb i had at my aunt's house, the sweet refreshing lung dan fish soup which i can still remember the taste, and on top of all food, is the reminiscence feeling i had whenever we passed by some familiar place i once visited/lived at.

I guess this is why they say home is the place you truly cannot hate and forget.

Pictures up next, after i finish figuring out how to convert the videos in my phone into watchable format.

Xmas still rocks more...

...... even though the wallet bleeds instead of receiving. Just shows how much satisfaction you get by the act of giving.

I dug up some old photos from my phone. Just for your pleasure.

Xmas 2009 in blue

Or red if you prefer

My baby sis and "her" baby son

Life without you is so miserably lonely.

*Smirks*

(Ed: Now no one can stop me from dominating all mankind's attention with my mischievous smile/words/action)

Bones

I have not lie when i said my memory is comparable to a hamster's. I've totally forgotten what i intended to write about regarding the bone topic. So let's just move on shall we?

Chinese New Year's around the corner, when families reunite to eat a wholesome meal together and to update their relatives all the gossips they need to know. To enjoy snacks and cookies without guilt and to ask for money shamelessly. To visit annual friends and to being tortured with questions regarding your relationships.

This year i'm going back to Sandakan to reunite with my grandma and whole bunch of relatives. Somehow not as excited as expected, maybe cause i was thinking of going somewhere else. But i guess i can always rely on photography to keep myself occupied. Although i don't have a huge-ass DSLR, compact cameras are better than nothing. Although i don't have any Photoshop skills the memory still stays captured in stand-still photographs.

Maybe i should just take all black and white pics to show just how gloomy i feel.

Boat and bones

It's one of the few rare posts that i would titled my post even before i write anything. This shows how much my memory has really failed me since i need to associate them with keywords so that i won't get home, eat a yummy cookie and forget all about it.

Btw, the chewy cookies that mom bought home from New Zealand are delicious! Not too sweet and really yummy. Going out in awhile i don't know how much i can elaborate but well, we'll just see.

Boat. How many of us that truly think that we are a devotee to our religion? That our faith stands no matter what happens or who speaks to us. You think you are a good Christian, but is it good enough for Him?

Today father talks about three boats that have evolved since mankind realize the grass on the other side is more juicer and that they need a transport to get there. Of course i am sure they were more interested in the cows that were grazing on the juicy grass instead.

So! They invented boats, using strength to propel the boat forward. Then they decided to make ships, because the boats couldn't fit the fat juicy cows and some other tribes were fighting with them to get to the juicy steak. And the first ships were powered by man, sitting on benches rowing the oars with brutal strength. Then they found out that they have used up all the hunky muscular man so therefore they resort to nature, the wind, to propel their ships. Then one day some guy successfully extracted this brutal strength into the form of engines, which most ships are still using till this day.

Three main forces used to push the ship forward - brutal strength, wind, and engine. The ship signifies our faith in God. And the forces signifies things and people who influences our faith.

Brutal strength are those who sees themselves as a powerful being. That they could be masters of themselves and believe every doings are governed by their own actions. They tell themselves God is there when you need Him, but everything else depends on what they do and act upon.

Wind, the people whom are easily influenced by others. This is more commonly seen in outsiders who come into a new city to work or study. The people who could influence them the most are the strangers who they come across first when they reach this foreign land. Being treated kindly and welcomed by them, it would be natural they would follow their religion in due course. Wind also signifies people who are fickle-minded. They are not able to stand on their own principles and easily swayed when other people question their faith in their religion. These are the ones most probably jump fence when time comes.

Lastly the turbo engines, as father put it. These are the ones who have faith in God and trust that they are in good hands. They put their faith in our Lord whom influence people with His teachings. And by His teachings, came out with creations like the engine, which would have been known as God's miracle if it were to exist in the B.C. era. In a way, Lord's teachings has shown us what human are capable of achieving. And this is what the people faith is.

By now you would have known which category you belong. I would shamefully say that i'm between the first and second. That somewhere along the way, after coming across people of different religion and hearing their teachings, i have strayed off from my path of faith. That i will question God, telling myself that i am a master of my own doings and God is merely there who threw me down to Earth (from Heaven =D) for some kind of duty that i have still not come to know yet. I believed that fate is long decided, and we could have the power to change its course.

But after today, i come to know that we are mere soldiers of God who are sent here to do something, and learn something. Maybe something that we did not come to know previously, some important lessons we are to learn, and pass it on to people around us. Religious speaking, to enlighten people around us with the lessons we learnt. In the way, we might stumble across our mission on Earth and one day report it back to Him of our findings, so to say.

In blogging this and telling you, i am in a way fulfilling one of His tasks. I shall finish this off with a typical sentence you would expect to hear from your "preaching" friends (as you put it).

Come join us, we have COOKIES! =D

Edit: I forgot about the bone part, will share about it next time. =)

Seeing myself in you

How much rejection could you afford to handle, before it turns into a knife and slices your heart? The more you treat it coldly, the more it hurts. When everyone is called for except you, what would you think of the next time you sees the person?

All these while you've been treated equally, sometimes more than you wished for. You take pride in it, you have more of the person than anyone else. That was what you thought. Was it the pride that brought you down? That hurt you so badly, so sudden. Makes you reevaluate just how much do you stand in that person's heart.

Nothing hurts more, than to physically receive rejection. A strong push, telling me to stop it. Rather than telling it to me with your mouth. What were you thinking? Am i really that annoying? Did my actions to caution you make you feel disgusted? I was just doing what i am supposed to do, as an adult. Or am i just too overreacting, too concern over accidents that would only stand a 10% chance of it happening? Were you telling me, that i should had risked it, so that you would enjoy life just a second more?

Seeing you fall to your knees satisfy me. I told you so. But was it the satisfaction that i yearn for? To see you fall? No. Did you even cared bout it? No. So why am i the only person feeling bad about it and fretting over matters that i know, i assume that you would have forget about it the next day?

Seeing you putting on masks for different people disgusts me. But that's just how human is.

On a different note, kittens pwnz.

Sourced from cute overload

http://cuteoverload.com/feed/

(put this link in your feed, the pics bring warmth to any cold heart any day)

Let's just stick with... Slacking Chapter 2

Waiting for Kaspersky scan on my laptop to finish scanning my files. It's been kinda slow lately, i'm not sure it's caused by the game i downloaded or just because i've been using the comps at uni too frequent. The comps at the labs really load fast, sometimes i feel like "bringing" one home, too.

Oh, Kaspersky just detected some threats. Oh lookie look. Trojan detected from, guess what. My MATLAB files. (Throws a "i-told-you-so" look at him.) That's what you expect to get from "free" software.

I'm bored. Done with Facebook, Youtube, Google Reader feeds, blog surfing.... what else. Okie maybe a reality update.

Back home this evening, found cousin still around (after like, two weeks? ) and wow, uncle's staying over too?! Great. I feel like i'm back to my motel house. Well, at least someone's utilizing the bandwidth.

Uni's been an ass, having screwed-up timetables, moderator meeting coming up, slow FYP progress, headache cause of lecturer's THICK indian accent, wasted free time, have i mentioned SLOW FYP progress? Darn it.

I could really use some (academic) semangat-boost pills right now...

Self-realization: Omg. Week 2 didn't just passed by, did it?

Slacking, yet tired.

Judging from my absent of post for the last two days (or so..lost track of time) and the last two posts you should be able to guess what happened by now.

Yes, i was able to launch the game successfully, login successfully, create a character successfully, and play successfully. Hence.... my absent. Hehe.

Game is largely quest-based and PVP-based, since right from the start you have to choose between two kingdoms. I was expecting a straight forward game play which is to pick up a bow and kill some mobs, so to say. However, i never expect that i had accidentally chosen a difficult class to play, the "rogue". So now i had to learn sneak attacks, buff attacks, etc. And instead of bows, i'm now wielding a huge-ass sword...... yea, way to go. Btw, i got killed on the first day of playing. PVP sucks.

Virtual world aside, went for movie+bowling session @ MV today with Kinno. I was thinking of blogging bout it yesterday but i was afraid it will jinx me again so i decided to just keep mum. However, i still have backache now but is due to the bowling session. Hah... i suppose if i went for the badminton session this afternoon the result would be the same.

Kinno started playing this game called Spore, i guess most of you would have heard of. It's similar to playing God as you are to create a creature. From there you eat other creatures that are smaller than you, and also gain new parts that you can add-on to your own body, sort of like a evolution. Quite an interesting game, but one thing putting me off from playing is how close it is to reality because you have to go about hunting other species and eat their dead body to gain energy to survive. Like..... eww....

Anyway, have a screwed up timetable therefore you see me free at weird times like this. Gotta head back to campus in a moment. Two days of class, and i can go home already. Mom's back on Thursday! Weeee~ the cook's back!