What i used to be, now i yearn to be

What an unexpected finding.

I was Google-ing (stalking) an FB friend and thinking how scary Teh Internet is (cause of all the information that i was able to find) when i decided to Google my own name to see what results would appear. To my surprise, despite being cautious about posting my information online, i came across old posts ranging from 3-9 years back. Internet probably wasn't that scary back then.

Anyways, i tried to cover up my tracks (heh) but sadly i couldn't remember the email and password to delete the related posts. So i said, "The heck with it, it's all part of growing up." So here it is, in its full glory, a poetic post i wrote in a board some time back in 2005.

maturity,
is like a barrier,
stopping us from acting like a child,
setting up a mindset that we must act our age.
happiness,
is what everyone seeks,
it's not hard to find,
you'll just have to open up your heart.
but when happiness meets maturity,
those tiny bits of happiness won't seem so great after all,
responsibility overwhelm everything,
and all that is left,
lingers bitterly in the mind.

How's that?
I was surprised i could come up with something like that at that age. Probably is what people call emo these days.

After that i came across an old post of mine back in 2009 whereby i was having a self-realization moment. Reading it gave me comfort, knowing that i did learnt from my mistakes. But it also scares me to think that i used to be able to write in a way i couldn't now.

The wise said, "However sharp a knife is, it will become blunt if you do not sharpen it from time to time." I guess this is what is happening to me now. Well... it's still not too late to learn from mistakes.

Now, where is my knife-sharpening stone...

A knot in my heart, a lump in my throat.

Today i woke up on time, went to church, and went home with a heavy heart.

Going to church had always been a love-hate relationship to me. Sometimes i feel lazy to go, sometimes i went in a drowsy state from not enough sleep. I used to dread going because i could not grasp what the sermon was about or i was just too tired from lack of sleep. As time goes by, and probably because of the new priest, i started attending mass hoping to learn something from the sermon he gave.

Sometimes i go with a broken heart hoping to be mended. Sometimes i go with an open heart hoping to be replenished spiritually. Sometimes i go with an open voice hoping to sing some karaoke. Going to church became something that i look forward to, although i am still reluctant to go sometimes.

Somehow, today has been that day the sermon struck a chord with my heart, with my mind. Something that i have been thinking, and worrying, and frustrated. Although i could not remember exactly what was it about now that i think about it, it definitely brought up some bitter feelings deep inside me.

(ah, i remembered some of it)

When delivering his sermon, Father was talking about how he met an old friend of his recently whom he had working with before he became a priest. How when he heard that his friend is making big bucks now and how he thought for a moment that maybe he could work part time. However, it struck him then, why he has stick to becoming a priest for so long until now. It was because of the time he has spent with God, he came to understand more, and the more he steps into it, the more he wants to know about Him. Same goes for the people, the church community. Being around the people has made him accustomized to this way of living.

As he talks on about how do we perceive our relationship with God, my thoughts stray to my own dilemma. After being in a relationship with a non-Catholic for almost more than 5 years, after numerous discussion which ended unpleasant, i started to question my own faith. My religion. It's not that the discussions were anti-christians/religion or whatsoever. It's the questions that he asked which brought me to thinking of my relationship with God, with the church. Somehow i am uncertain if the discussions have strengthen my faith in God or it has weaken me.

I started to question things that should not be questioned. My mind started to ask, "Is this necessary?", "Would doing that really make you holier?", "What's the meaning of all this?". Undoubtedly, my faith wavered. I started going church feeling "weak". I pray for forgiveness from God more than i remembered doing it before. I feel that i have greatly sinned and although my heart tells me that God forgives those who forgive others, i question myself if i have really forgiven them. I started worrying because i kept doing things and i don't know if it is the right thing to do anymore.

What is Good, and what is Bad? The line became so blur i don't even know which side am i stepping on. I tried to change, tried to try things that will make me happy, but i know it's all just temporary. My soul still feels empty, heart still saddened, mind still tortured by my own thoughts. It's as if i feel caged, unable to throw out all these negative feelings inside me. Feels as if i have not forgive myself. Have not treat myself well. Did not make the most out of myself. Unable to get my priorities right. Starting to lose that self that was once so innocent and ignorant.

Maybe it's a good thing. Took me so much to learn one lesson. Yet the temptation creeps in and i keep wanting to go back for more. The devil inside me telling me that it is normal, it is OK, it doesn't matter.

Just as what i am doing now, although i do feel better after writing this out, i couldn't stop my mind from telling myself, "There you go again, screwing up your priorities, when there is work to be done and yet you are tempted into blogging", whereas the young me would have just said, "Screw work, there's always tomorrow."

Funny how as we grow older, responsibility and dignity became so important it became a burden to us.

God, if you are seeing this, please help me to forgive myself. Things should not be as bad as it seems.

I saw, i smiled, i conquer

Don't ask me what the title means, it just popped into my head.

At last i managed to installed MSN on my beloved snowie (laptop), but seems not much people are on.. all holidaying i suppose?

So i added few new friends and browse around my messenger profile and found this really old description i wrote about my interests wayyyy back when i was around 13/14 years old.

green tea, hiyawu, yuna, jay, A&W (curly fries!), lomography, lots more..... html coding, surf the net for nice sites, reading, eating w/o getting fat, shopping wif lots of money, baking (cookies especially), PS2, likes new and tech things, lots more.....

Some are still part of my interest now, like lomo, tech stuff, coding.. albeit in a different way. A&W curly fries are still my fave, although mcdonald's CNY prosperity curly fries came into competition and it is not bad too. Not so much of a green tea fan now, because of its cool properties hence i can't drink much. Reading is still something that i like to do, although seems less time spent on doing it and more to net surfing and online games. Eating without getting fat.. now this... seems to be still true till this day lol. Shopping with lots of money.. hmm.. is something i am trying to achieve now. The others i guess i just grew out of it. Part of my memories during teenage years.

If you would ask what are my interests now, honestly, i would say.. online (being online, including playing games, facebooking, reading google reader feeds, etc), lomography (interest re-sparked cos i got one for xmas to play with), reading (still do occasionally, and do comics count? =P), technology (yeeeap.), hm. basically have wide range of interest, just could not spend time to nurture it into a hobby of sort.

All i wish is just to unwind after a day's work doing something i like, which currently, is gaming. Way to go working life.

Recalling 2010

Saw a lot other similar blogs recalling back their 2010, thought i'll do a recap on what i did in 2010. But, kinda lazy and my blog didn't reflect much that happened, so i used this template below. Hah, what a (lazy) way to start a new year. Anyway, here goes.

2010: The Beginning
Where did you go on New Year?: At home, i think.
Who were you with?: Family, my dear, and some of eu's friends 
Did you kiss anyone at midnight?: Moments after midnight =) 
Did you make any resolutions?: To have a better year ahead. Get good results.

2010: Your Love Life
Did you break up with anyone?: Nope.
Were you broken up with?: Nope.
Did you get anything for Valentine's day?: .... Don't remember (>_< sorry dear!)
Did you meet anyone special?: If every person in this world is special, then yes i met some new friends. 
Did you fall in love?: Am in love.

2010: Friends and Enemies
Did you meet any new friends this year?: Several.
Did you dislike anyone?: Yes, but i try to revert that thinking. It's just that i have not known that person well.
Did you make any new enemies?: Hopefully no.
Did you resolve any fight?: Just arguments.
Who was your closest friend?: My dear.
Did you grow apart from anyone?: Much of my friends.

2010: Your BIRTHDAY!
Did you have a cake?: Don't remember.. (poor memory.... sign of ageing T__T)
What did you do for your birthday?: Probably spent with my dear, nice dinner and all.
Did you have a party?: Nope.
Did you get any presents?: Yup, something that i can't remember at this moment.. T__T
If so what was the best thing you got?: I swear i treasure all of them! Oh, i suddenly remember. My beloved eu send me a mug all the way from NZ. =D Thanks eu! 

2010: All about YOU
Did you change at all this year?: Yup, definitely. For the better, i hope.
Did you dye your hair?: Nope, but planning to do so this year (2011)
Did you have a job?: Nope. Not a productive year (2nd half) i might say.
Did you drive?: Yup, to do some errands and once to a job interview in TPM (which might be my future workplace)
Did you own a car?: Nope. Hopefully will have one to drive soon.
Did you move at all?: Nope.
Did you leave the country at all?: Yup, to Shanghai for the expo.
Would you change anything about yourself now?: Appearance-wise, contact lenses instead of glasses. Personality-wise... my temper. 

2010: Wrap Up
Was 2010 a good year?: So-so. Could be more productive.
Did 2010 bring any new insights?: Definitely. 
Do you think 2011 will top 2010?: Surely.
If you could relive any moment which would you chose?: None. Better for them to stay as memories.

I confess that in 2010 I…
( ) stayed single for the whole year
( ) made out in/on a car
( ) kissed in the snow
( ) celebrated Halloween
( ) kissed in the rain
( ) had your heart broken
( ) broke someone else's heart
( ) had a stalker
( ) mooned someone
(x) went over the minutes on your cell phone
(x) had a good relationship with someone.
( ) someone questioned your sexual orientation
( ) came out of the closet
( ) gotten pregnant
( ) had an abortion
( ) had/have a relationship with someone you'll never forget
(x) done something you've regretted
( ) kissed under mistletoe

OTHER
(x) painted a picture
( ) wrote a poem
( ) ran a mile
( ) shopped at Hollister or Abercrombie and Fitch
( ) listened to music you couldn't stand
(x) went to a sleepover
( ) went camping
( ) threw a surprise party
(x) laughed till you cried
(x) visited a foreign country
( ) cut in a line of waiting people LOL!
(x) told someone you were busy when you weren't
( ) partied to celebrate the new year
( ) cooked a disastrous meal
( ) lost something/someone important to you
( ) lied about how old you were
( ) prank called someone

In 2010 I…
[x] broke a promise
[ ] fallen out of love
[x] lied
[ ] cried over a broken heart
[x] disappointed someone close
[x] hid a secret
[x] pretended to be happy
[ ] slept under the stars
[ ] kept your new years resolution
[x] forgot your new years resolution
[x] met someone who changed your life
[ ] met one of your idols
[x] changed your outlook on life
[x] sat home all day doing nothing
[ ] pretended to be sick
[ ] left the country
[ ] given up on something/someone important to you
[ ] lost something expensive
[x] learned something new about yourself
[x] tried something you normally wouldn't try and liked it
[x] made a change in your life
[ ] found out who your true friends were
[x] met great people
[x] stayed up til sunrise
[x] cried over the silliest thing
[x] was never home on weekends
[ ] got into a car accident
[x] had friends who were drifting away from you
[ ] had someone close to you die
[ ] had a high cell phone bill
[x] spent most of your money on food
[ ] had a fist fight
[ ] went to the beach with your best friend
[ ] saw a celebrity 
[x] gotten sick
[ ] liked more than 5 people at the same time
[ ] became closer with a lot of people

With 2010 over…
1. Did you have any relationships this year? Yup.
2. Did you host a party? Nope.
3. Kissed two people in the same night?: Nope.
4. Pulled an all nighter? Nope.
5. Puked at all? Nope.
7. Went Camping? Nope.
8. Bought something expensive? Yup.
9. Met someone who changed you? Yup.
10. Been out of the country? Yup. 
12. What are you thinking about? To get a job!
——
1. Hugged someone? Yup.
2. Slept in someone elses bed? Yup.
3. Got a job? Nope...
4. Loaned out money? Nope.
5. Gotten in a car accident? Nope.
6. Gone over your mobile phone bill? Nope.
7. Been called a slut? Not that i'm aware of.
8. Done something you regret? Yes. 

How was 2010? It was a good year, but nothing significant except that i graduated.
Do you have any new years resolutions for 2011? Hope to change others' perception of me, be more approachable. Be more confident. Get a job. 

ps: Well, not particularly useful template but i guess i can't complain. Hopefully this year will be a more exciting, productive and meaningful year!

Happy New Year to you guys out there too! If there is any... *black crow flies across the screen*

What Else Series - Food and more food

Let's see, what's next in my pictures folder.. ooh i see yummy food. Bring it on!

 Ohh, my favourite place to go for japanese fusion food. Pasta Zanmai! Particularly like their monthly special where they offer a combination of pasta/rice/pizza/rolls in one set, so i could sample bit of everything. Pictured above if not mistaken, is chicken with onsen (hot spring) egg pizza, which tasted so wonderfully delicious with the runny egg yolk and creamy sauce. Wuu saliva inducing~

 The pizza comes with this seafood pasta which is also yummy because the squid is not too chewy (unlike some like chewing rubber), fresh big prawns, and best of all it's spicy! And it's got mushrooms! Tons of it! And one thing i like pasta zanmai is their pasta is always cooked to perfection. Not overcooked or raw.

 I feel like i'm advertising for them, but no, just that i really like their food. Pictured above is the yummiest, creamiest, most heavenly taste thing that we stumbled across some time ago. It's called cream croquette! It's crispy on the outside, and once you bite into it (caution: hot!) you will find a very tasty creamy corn filling which is verrrry satisfying. Especially when you are starving and cold from the blasting aircon. Having it "currified" with rice is just icing on the cake.

  

Oh, che cheong fun~ One of my favourite dish too. This is from Cravings, they serve non-halal home cooked food. This one was yummy; smooth skin, juicy char siew filling with fried har mai (shrimp) on top. Don't forget the sambal~ Jan intro this to us during lunch, heard it is a fast-selling item so have to go early if you want to order this.

 Pork with tofu that we ordered together with the che cheong fun. It was okay, meat a bit dry to my liking.

 A cup of tea from dim sum session~ 

 This teochew restaurant just began their business not long ago in TTDI, only operating at night. It's a corner shop among a long row of shop lots near the police station. Serves quite yummy and very "gao mei" （够味）dishes. The chicken was not bad, the fu chuk is nice, and the ham choi lived up to its name, very ham (salty). Great to eat together with rice.

 My cousin came over to kl for a visit and we went to Pavillion to have lunch together. She wanted to try Japanese cuisine (yay!) so we went to Ichiban Boshi which is just opposite the food court and near to Dragon-i. I think they are famous for their handmade soba noodles cause they have this chef in a room making the noodles from scratch. He has really good skills and i have to salute to him because he could keep his smile on his face all the while working on the noodles. There's even a mill to grind the buckwheat grains into flour beside him. Btw i didn't ate the noodles. Had wonderful udon noodles with sushi (the one wrapped with rice) and sashimi. Salmon belly was AWESOME! Melts in the mouth. =D

   

 After a really stomach-bulging lunch, excuse me, we went for desserts at a Taiwanese dessert shop called Snowflake. Pictured above is soya-flavored shaved ice with gula melaka topped with cincau, sago jelly, and glutinous sweet potato cubes. It was something new for me, quite yummy, except for the sago jelly which tasted like gummy worms to me. But the shaved ice was wonderful eaten together with gula melaka.

My cousins ordered the green tea glutinous rice cubes with red bean toppings. Was okay, but the shaved ice is a bit plain without gula melaka. 

 Another one of my favourite place to go when i don't feel like eating rice nor noodles is Paddington House of Pancakes (PHOP)! Yea, i have a love for bread-like meals. Pictured here is kinno's new favourite drink, Flat White. Strong and smooth coffee. 

One choice of my breakfast would be American pancakes with beef bacon, sunny-side eggs with runny yolk, sausages, beans (my mind can't remember what are those called!!), mashed potatoes, with salad at the side and yummy steak sauce to go together with it. I usually order the blueberry pancakes with sour cream, mushrooms and scrambled eggs, but i was particularly hungry that morning. Hehe. 

Wow, i feel like a food blogger already. LOL. Kidding. Just wanna share with you guys some of the yummy food i've been nom-ing lately.

To end this post i quote myself (lol),

"because the most interesting, is knowing the story behind the picture.

without a story, a picture can only speak a thousand words

and not more - Fiona W."

Wuhoo i feel like a poet already. 

What Else Series - Flowers and Fly-grass

What Else Series is something that i came up with (nothing better to do) where I'll be featuring events taken by my kinno's trustworthy SonyE camera phone. Taken by me. Not him. Lalala~

Yea, just wanted to waste time. And also feel like my pictures are wasted not showcased to the world.

Flowers blooming around the neighborhood. Mom highlighted to me how lovely the flowers are on the left, and i found this orange flower with a lost petal among his peers. 

Look! See if you are lucky enough to spot a four-leaf clover. We used to have tons of these in our garden back in KK, which grew at enormous speeds. Grandma called them fly-grass（苍蝇草）and she was always pulling them out. Who knows, I myself might have pulled out dozens of four-leafed ones. 

Emotion of 25/8/10

Of one which does nothing but munches on leaves all day

Resist the urge to skim the surface of your life. Search for substance, even if it only results in a paragraph or a few sentences.

Remember that your life is more than a series of actions and motions. Blur the edges. Sketch the mood. Use emotion instead of fact. 

 Excerpt from thoughts on writing courageously by marisa on all things new